Our Collection of Psychology Jokes

Worthy Submissions are welcome. 
Unworthy Submissions may bow down before us and beg for mercy. 
Truly Unworthy Submissions are subject to our approval.
Most submittals will be crucified for the fun of it.... 

Our Current Crucifixions

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bit off your ear.
 

Therapy
A patient underwent intense therapy to rid him of the delusion that a huge fortune awaited him. He was expecting two letters: one would give him sole title to a huge Spanish treasure lost by Francisco Orellena in the Amazon River; the other, of course, from Publisher's Clearing House awarding him 11.7 million dollars.

Just when the psychiatrist was making real progress in curing the man, both letters arrived.

Academic Subjects
Psychology is actually biology.
Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
Physics is actually math.
Math is actually philosophy.
and philosophy is really just psychology.

Bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $100?"

Stupid Student?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds,  Eric stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Eric?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Light Bulb Jokes
http://www-isl.stanford.edu/~marcush/lightbulb.shtml

How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's what research students are for.

Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do all the work.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
     Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
    None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: Why did Cleopatra wish to see a psychoanalyst?
A: Because she was the Queen of Denial.

An Oedipal feline: a Freudy cat

Piaget's developmental stages:

sensorimotor stage: can repair cars
preoperational stage: can be a surgical nurse, helping to prepare surgeons for their work
concrete operations stage: can be a construction worker
formal operations stage: may attend black-tie dinner parties

Psychodynamic approach: Where you say one thing but mean a mother.

Or, try the following Altavista search: "Psychology humor"

You just might be a psychology graduate student if...

...you spend more on books than on tuition.
...you actually hope your professor assigns homework.
...you get a 3-hour final with 5 questions or less.
...the words "free time" are unfamiliar to you.
...you spend Saturday morning waiting for the library to open.
...you've memorized your professors' home phone numbers.
...your professors know your home phone number.
...more than 25% of your textbook is "left as an exercise for the reader."
...you are on a first-name basis with everyone on the library staff.
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication".

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top 20 Lies Told by Professors:

18. It takes me longer to grade the homework than for you to do it.
17. I'm not here for the money, I'm here to help students.
16.  I'm really quite will known in the field.
15. Students that drop my class are doing so for personal reasons.
14. Your academic councilor will assist you.
13. If you turned it in to me, I would have it.
12. I believe my essay questions are fair to students.
11. I don't mind if you call me at home.
10. Doing the homework in this class will benefit you.
9. If there is a grade curve, it will be in your favor.
8. I will be available in my office during the posted office hours.
7. The thesis in your research doesn't have to agree with mine, it is the quality of the work that counts.
6. My students are more important than my research.
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?

The first patient says, "139."

The second one says, "Wednesday."

The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."

The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.

"It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

Antidotes to Your Shrink's Falling Asleep During the Therapy Session:
A Patient's Guide to Keeping the Therapist's Attention

• Insist that one of your other personalities already paid last month's therapy bill.
• Lie down under the couch.
• Express concern that you are not narcissistic enough.
• Bark! 
• Do a Three Stooges impersonation, impersonate all three.
• Ask if you can go the the bathroom.  Hike your leg over a lamp.
• Shout "Eureka!" after your therapist makes an interpretation.
• Play dead.
• Scratch your foot...with your ear.
• Fart loudly, blame the therapist.  Refuse to accept any blame.
• As your therapist hands you the therapy bill, put on a pair of latex rubber gloves to accept it.
• Tell them that they have really sexy shoes. Then stare at their feet and lick you lips.
• Suck your thumb.

A woman took her husband to the psychiatrists because he thought he was a dog. "Why don't you sit on the couch?" the psychiatrist said when they arrived. "Oh, no" said the woman. "He's not allowed on the furniture."

A husband brought his wife to the psychiatrist.
Husband: My wife thinks she's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: That's terrible. How long has she been this way?
Husband: For three years.
Psychiatrist: Why didn't you bring her to see me sooner?
Husband: We needed the eggs.

Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist: So?

Useful Research Phrases and what they Really Mean

"It has long been known" . . .

[I didn't look up the original reference.]

"A definite trend is evident" . . .

[These data are practically meaningless.]

"Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . .

[Interesting to me.]

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers

to these questions" . . .

[An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.]

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . .

[The results of the others didn't make any sense.]

"Typical results are shown" . . .

[The best results are shown.]

"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . .

[I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.]

"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . .

[He was my graduate assistant.]

"It is believed that" . . .

[I think]

"It is generally believed that" . . .

[A couple of other guys think so, too.]

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before

a complete understanding occurs" . . .

[I don't understand it.]

"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . .

[Wrong]

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further

investigations in this field" . . .

[This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this

miserable topic.]

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment

and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . .

[Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.]

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . .

[Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a

glass of beer.]

 

HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Always avoid alliteration.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Profanity sucks.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

THE ETIOLOGY AND TREATMENT OF CHILDHOOD
Jordan W. Smoller
University of Pennsylvania

• Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now call "children." The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child psychiatrists" became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.

The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significan clinical features of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features:

Congenital onset

Dwarfism

Emotional lability and immaturity

Knowledgy deficits

Legume anorexia

Clinical Features of Childhood

Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population.

CONGENITAL ONSET

In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple-Black (1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely. This observation has led some investigators to speculate on biological contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, "we may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood" (Rogers, 1979).

DWARFISM

This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely known that children are physically short relative to the population at large. Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult. These children are known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967).

EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY

This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled a "child" by professionals and friends alike.

KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS

While many children have IQs with or even above the norm, almost all will manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires some general knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the world they live in. Politics, art, and science--children are largely ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad fact that most children have few friends who are not, themselves, children.

LEGUME ANOREXIA

This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom is supported by empirical observation--children will rarely eat their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).

Causes of Childhood

Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below.

Sociological Model

Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about children:

the vast majority of children are unemployed, and

children represent one of the least educated segments of our society. In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grad education.

Clearly, children are an "out-group." Because of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitaion program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.

Biological Model

The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli and Din, 1950) indicated that family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have childhood.

Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well.

Psychological Models

A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called "childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labelling them "children."

Treatment of Childhood

Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have human and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our history. to paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every minute."

The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment of childhood-- so-called "public schools." Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature, and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting).

Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the problem a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood.

Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical intervention.

By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following case (taken from Gumbie and Poke, 1957) is typical.

• Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3" high and weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate voraciously. Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms. His voice was noticably high for a man. He displayed legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe. His intellectual functioning was also below normal--he had little general knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence. Social skills were also deficient. He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour." His sexual experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women "icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school at age 5. The diagnosis was "primary childhood." After years of painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his height and weight have increased, his social skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper route."

After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood at 6.4 years.

At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder--virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls.

The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly, & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assess by the "metric system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood.

These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood may not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too complacent. Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders facing mental health professionals today. And, beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of physical disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of accidents--compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more likely to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes.

Clearly, much more research is need before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder.

REFERENCES

American Psychiatric Association (1990). The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary report. Washington, D.C.; APA.

Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971). The plasticity of behavior. In B. Barby & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us. Detroit: Ronco press.

Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939). Cognitive mediation of labour disputes. Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35.

Fudd, E.J. (1972). Locus of control and shoe-size. Journal of Footwear Psychology, 78, 345-356.

Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957). A cognitive theory of iron- smelting. Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239.

Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965). Western civilization: A review of the literature. Reader's digest, 60, 23-25.

Moe, R., Larrie, T., and Kirly, Q. (1974). State childhood versus trait childhood. TV Guide, May 12-19, 1-3.

Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q. (1974). Spontaneous remission of childhood. In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New Hope for Children and Animals. Hollywood: Acme Press.

Popeye, T.S.M. (1957). The use of spinach in extreme circumstances. Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538.

Popeye, T.S.M. (1968). Spinach: A phenomenological perspective. Existential botany, 35, 908-813.

Rogers, F. (1979). Becoming my neighbour. New York: Soft Press.

Ruler, Y. (1923). Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial interaction. Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260.

Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978). Coping with puberty. Sears catalog, 45-46.

Suess, D.R. (1983). A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and without ham. Journal of Clinical Cuisine, 245, 567-578.

Temple-Black, S. (1982). Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder. Journal of Precocity, 3, 129-134.

Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967). Human behavior as a model for understanding the rat. In M. de Sade (Ed.). The Rewards of Punishment. Paris: Bench Press.

Charlotte's Web The Lighter Side of Psych
http://users.erols.com/geary/psychology/